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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Alright, I'm back--as promised.
I know that this is really nitpicky, but this sentence is a bit of a run-on. I wouldn't molest you about it normally, but because it's the FIRST sentence of the FIRST chapter, it should suck the reader in. I suggest you keep this as it is, but put another, shorter sentence before it... maybe something like "Angry waves bashed the ragged rocks of the shore." or something. Think about it. ^_~Nitpicks first:
That's another really long sentence! I suggest you try to shorten it. Also, keep in mind: all thoughts should be in italics.
The semi-colon after "ground" should be switched with the comma after "efforts" so that the sentence looks like this: "The priestess, Kiensa, sank down to the cold, damp ground, thoroughly exhausted from her spiritual efforts; she wasn’t so young anymore and all the energy she spent was taxing." On second thought, maybe you should make that semi-colon (in it's new spot) into a period, so that it looks like THIS: "The priestess, Kiensa, sank down to the cold, damp ground, thoroughly exhausted from her spiritual efforts. She wasn’t so young anymore and all the energy she spent was taxing.
starting a sentence with "suddenly" is a common method of telling rather than showing, which is a bad thing. Try to show the readers that it was sudden, rather than telling them.
But I thought you said she DID put her mask on.
This is semi-colon misuse -- it should be a comma.
That should be "rain-soaked." Also, I think the end would flow better as: "... the small child that now slept so peacefully in her arms."
I think the bold word should be "or"?
I don't like the bold part. It gives a conversational feel to an otherwise-formal piece. There's nothing wrong with conversational, mind, but I don't like the inconsistency.
This sentence is repetitive... if she's an infant, OF COURSE she's in a state of infancy! Maybe rather than "infant" you should say "little girl" or something?
I think that this is semi-colon misuse: it should be a comma.
"ecstatically" means "happily" or, as the American Heritage Dictionary would put it, "Being in a state of ecstasy; joyful or enraptured." I don't think that's what you're trying to say... maybe you meant "maniacally" or "crazily" or just plain "angrily"?
The comma after "know" should be a question mark. You make this mistake quite often, so rather than pointing all the instances out (this critique is getting rather long) I will just trust you to do it yourself. If you need help finding/fixing any instances, feel free to send me a PM and I'll help you out.
That period should be a colon.
Because the bold part is a full sentence, this section should be like this: "“I can smell a catch when its set before me, priestess.” Stron growled, giving in at last and sinking back into his chair. “So, what is it?”"
There should be a comma before "named" because otherwise it sounds like the Priestess wants to name the baby "Stron."
Does this make the storm rage again? Also, to the best of my knowledge, "reawaking" isn't a word...
I don't like the repetition of "again."
Shouldn't "fire, wind, water and earth" be capitalized? Maybe not, but it was just a thought I had.
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This could use a little more "showing" and a little less "telling." You tell us a lot about the traditions, beliefs, and fears of the elves, but you don't show us very much about the temple, or the house. I think that (because you're starting with "action") you should hold off on the less-important details -- like how the gold mask is secured to one's face -- until later. This is a bit of an info-dump. Try giving us all this information more gradually, so that we don't get bored. Instead, i suggest you focus more on description, as that will suck your reader in more and actually give them a better idea of the elves at this point. Try describing more about the smells and feels of the settings... is the sea salty? Is the temple air spiced with incenses? Is the air in the house cool or warm? Damp or dry? Some things to think about, aye? ^_~
Another thing to work on is characterization. So far (and I understand that this could change as the story unfolds) the characters are pretty one-sided: Kiensa is loving and gentle; Stron is stern and wise. If you don't change that in this chapter, I suggest you make sure to unfold more of their respective personalities in later parts of the story.
Other than that, this is really nice! *gives you a gold star* Though the plot might be a bit cliché (elves, messiah/god-baby, etc) you have a fresh style. I just suggest that you don't give us all this information at once, because it's a bit difficult to swallow.
I hope this helped! Please feel free to PM me if you need any clarification/advise/help of any kind.
Good luck!
~Azila~
Alright, I'm back--as promised.
I know that this is really nitpicky, but this sentence is a bit of a run-on. I wouldn't molest you about it normally, but because it's the FIRST sentence of the FIRST chapter, it should suck the reader in. I suggest you keep this as it is, but put another, shorter sentence before it... maybe something like "Angry waves bashed the ragged rocks of the shore." or something. Think about it. ^_~Nitpicks first:
That's another really long sentence! I suggest you try to shorten it. Also, keep in mind: all thoughts should be in italics.
The semi-colon after "ground" should be switched with the comma after "efforts" so that the sentence looks like this: "The priestess, Kiensa, sank down to the cold, damp ground, thoroughly exhausted from her spiritual efforts; she wasn’t so young anymore and all the energy she spent was taxing." On second thought, maybe you should make that semi-colon (in it's new spot) into a period, so that it looks like THIS: "The priestess, Kiensa, sank down to the cold, damp ground, thoroughly exhausted from her spiritual efforts. She wasn’t so young anymore and all the energy she spent was taxing.
starting a sentence with "suddenly" is a common method of telling rather than showing, which is a bad thing. Try to show the readers that it was sudden, rather than telling them.
But I thought you said she DID put her mask on.
This is semi-colon misuse -- it should be a comma.
Alright, I'm back--as promised.
I know that this is really nitpicky, but this sentence is a bit of a run-on. I wouldn't molest you about it normally, but because it's the FIRST sentence of the FIRST chapter, it should suck the reader in. I suggest you keep this as it is, but put another, shorter sentence before it... maybe something like "Angry waves bashed the ragged rocks of the shore." or something. Think about it. ^_~Nitpicks first:
That's another really long sentence! I suggest you try to shorten it. Also, keep in mind: all thoughts should be in italics.
The semi-colon after "ground" should be switched with the comma after "efforts" so that the sentence looks like this: "The priestess, Kiensa, sank down to the cold, damp ground, thoroughly exhausted from her spiritual efforts; she wasn’t so young anymore and all the energy she spent was taxing." On second thought, maybe you should make that semi-colon (in it's new spot) into a period, so that it looks like THIS: "The priestess, Kiensa, sank down to the cold, damp ground, thoroughly exhausted from her spiritual efforts. She wasn’t so young anymore and all the energy she spent was taxing.
starting a sentence with "suddenly" is a common method of telling rather than showing, which is a bad thing. Try to show the readers that it was sudden, rather than telling them.
But I thought you said she DID put her mask on.
This is semi-colon misuse -- it should be a comma.
Noted and applied. Thank you for the suggestions, they really helped
~LM
P.S. Tyre is a weird coincidence...
I think I'm going to do this review as I read to make it easier on myself. If I get off track that is why.
I think that there should be a the before sea. For me it reads better that way.
This is just a thought but if they feared the cliff would give way why didn't they leave? Perhaps you answer it further along in the piece.
This paragraph seemed weaker than the others. I think its the sentence in bold that actually does it. One, I don't think you meant to have a comma after and. Two, took of the cloak just seems a little awkward to read. Perhaps Kiensa bent down taking her cloak to wrap around the bare, elf-like creature. That doesn't have the nicest of flows either but I tried
Please rephrase this line. Please. The major problem I have with it is that you changed tenses. If you said "had sent her mind" then you would be in the same past tense type voice. But truefully, I would just take out/rephrase the sentence entirely.
I'm not really sure that is how one would phrase a rebuttal to a prince. But then again I can understand that they probably don't hold them very high now that they are almost a dead race. Clearly someone wasn't doing their job.
Okay so this was a good story. There were a few rough spots but nothing that I could read through. I would be interested in reading more so if you post another chapter please feel free to pm me.
My favorite part of the story would be the last paragraph or so. I think it showed Kiensa's personality really well.
On a side note I think its funny that you mentioned the name Tyr. I actually have a book right now that I'm working on where the kingdom is called Tyr. I thought it was cool anyways.
I have to admit -- I only skimmed this. You want to know why? It's because you used that "pre" feature. I find it really hard to read, because it puts the text in a weird font... A lot of other people around here feel the same way, which could be part of why you haven't gotten any reviews yet. ^_~
I suggest you make it normal formatting. Just make sure you space out the paragraphs, like I am in this post. Once you've done that, send a PM my way and I'll come back to deliver a review -- sound good to you?
If you have any trouble figuring out how to change the format, please feel free to PM me as well.
I hope to read this again soon!
~Azila~